2023: Resolutions from the heart of a mothers loss

New Year’s Resolutions – the anticipation of a great year to come. A healthier lifestyle, better budgeting, learning something new, an improvement on self. Or perhaps you are a word person – a word of the year if you will. Well, this was impactful for me several years ago, I pushed pause on the “to-do list” of having a better year and put my focus on just one word – JOY. I learned so much from that year that not only did it help shape my year, but it also carried with me as a description of my character, how I want to live my life and how I desired for others to see me: Katie Embree, full of JOY and lover of God and people. It became such a profound word in my life. So, this year as the New Year ball was fast approaching the descension into the close of one year and anticipation of the next, I pondered what I was looking to focus on this year. It was not as simple this year as picking something to give up, grow in or learn from. No, my desire was to simply rewind the clock and make changes to this past year. To go back to when my girls were an active and vibrant part of my life. When my future was bright and JOYfilled and watching them grow into the beautiful adults that they were or were well on their way to. And then God intervened – through a friend who posted a poem and then through a new song that came across my car radio this week. It stopped me in my tracks and refocused me on His face, His love, and His gentle guidance in His plans for me. Here is where I will let you into my journey this past week and show you how God is the comfort in the middle of the mess of my life.

It started with a poem – and let me just say that social media is powerful; both negative and positive. At times we may feel like we are sending words to a dark hole, however…there are moments when our words or posts can make a huge impact in one’s life.

A poem by Zoe Clark-Coates: “Some people may not understand why those grieving are reluctant to move into a new year. For them, they see a fresh year, a new season…but for the bereaved, it’s moving into a new calendar year which their loved one(s) will never live in.” – and this is when I broke, my heart dropped to the floor, and someone had put into words the exact feeling that I had without even knowing it. This is that year, this is the year that my Ashley and Sarae will never be in, the beginning if you will of the New Normal that will take place without their bubbly smiles, their silly pranks, their deep talks, their snuggles, their movie nights and their deep love for people that they displayed so well. This year I have found myself clinging to a “snuggly” blanket at night because I miss the warm embrace of my girls. I pull it right up to my nose when I crawl in bed and so wish it was their arms around me. I have a pink bunny that sits next to my bed (that you can put in the microwave and feel the warmth) that I love to stroke the ears; because it reminds me of stroking my girl's hair when comforting them on hard days. These things may feel silly or childish, but for me, they are life-giving moments to “be with my girls”. So yes, this year of making a new year’s resolution was hard – brutally hard, but once again God intervened. This time through a song – a new song that was just released on New Year's Day. As I listened to the song (over and over…and over, even getting my computer out to write down all the lyrics) God laid heavy on my heart the word for this next year of my life – HOPE.

Lamentations 3:19-24 (NLT) The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet, I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies, we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will HOPE in Him.”

The song that I will leave you with is called “THIS” and here are some things that God has spoken to me through these lyrics. My hope is running dry – my doubt is running wild – things I can’t reconcile – no hope for miles and miles and miles. But THIS, this is what I know. I’d rather live with HOPE than this life all alone. It’s hard to miss, you’re (God) in the midst. Your presence is the comfort in the middle of the mess. The fear can paralyze – it's hard to sleep at night – I wanna quit the fight – but THIS is what I know. I’d rather live with HOPE than this life all alone. It’s hard to miss, you’re in the midst. Your presence is the comfort in the middle of the mess…I will build my life upon your love, it is a firm foundation. I will put my trust in you alone and I will not be shaken.

So as we roll into the New Year I will put my trust in God, I will not be shaken, I have HOPE in a God that loves me, holds me up, provides for me, and gives me new mercies every day. I will be ok because I know who’s I am – He is stronger than my worries and greater than my doubts. I will spend this year diving into the HOPE I have in God and His profound love for me. (I will also keep my snuggly and bunny close by because it just feels good.)

Love to you all – my prayer for you is to love deep, spread JOY, and seek the HOPE of the Lord…He is a firm foundation. Happy New Year.

Song:

This – live

by Eaglebrook Church - Unplugged Volume 4 take a listen on Spotify!!