Where to even begin - I have started this post over and over and over again. I look through photos and see where my soul lands to share. Do I share about when they were little, babies? How about when we were waiting for Sarae to join our family? Maybe about the first time our family was complete, at the airport? The sibling bond of these three? Carter's life life-altering loss? Our aching hole for Sarae? The daily pain of my mini-me? Oh, there are so many to choose from and at each pause, my heart bleeds a little. The photos are so hard to sort through, to see the joy and love in our family. The rainy days playing games, the school events, the vacations, the tears, the trials, and the years and years of daily bonding.
So this is where I land - on the bond of siblings. Siblings are the people in your life who are there for you in the highs and the lows. They are the people in life that are the first example of unconditional love. A love that is not warm fuzzy and here for a season. No this is a love that is there for you when the world disappoints - the people that you can knock on their door at 2 am and pour your heart out to. The people that you can be 100% real, they know what makes you smile, they know what hurts you. They know the people in your life that bring you joy and the ones that bring great pain. They are there, no matter what.
Siblings teach you how to let someone into your life. Let them all the way in and work through the challenges in relationships. What do you do if someone disagrees with you - your sibling will let you know. What if you need someone to vent to and love you through it, your sibling will be there. What if you don't fit in, your sibling will comfort you. What if you are struggling with what to do next, your sibling will help you sort it out. Your siblings will tell you what is best for you because they know every part of you. Relationships are not all about feeling good, there are times when we sacrifice our desires to support those we love. Carter spent many weekends in the gym watching dance competitions - does he love dance, no he loved Ashley. Sarae spent many weekends on the athletic field bleachers - does she love football, no she loved Carter. Ashely spent many weekends in the gym listening to squeaky shoes - does she love basketball, no she loved Carter. These three were selfless with one another, they saw from an early age the true friendship in your siblings. There was a deep connection with them all.
As the years quickly passed by we were seeing our time as a family begin to take on a new realization, there would soon be separation as Ashley was preparing to head off to the Twin Cities for college. The reality was setting in and the sadness began for us all, we were not ready to have her leave...but we were excited for her. Saying goodbye to life as we know it is hard. She was going to be a two-hour drive away and that felt like forever away.
So we prepare to say our goodbyes - we know it is best, but we are not ready. Carter and Sarae are happy for Ashley that she is going to her dream college and starting the next chapter in her life but the pain of saying goodbye is hard.
And then there is Ashley who desperately wanted to stay with the family. The people that love her the most, the comfort of dad's home-cooked meals, the games around the table, the boat rides, the laughter, and the razzing of each other. She did not want to leave. Her best solution would have been for us all to move down to the cities so she could have the best of both worlds: Family and the next chapter. Her goodbye was long and sad - the delivery to college was long. There were trips to Target, the grocery store, and Ikea. She had a commitment with her cohorts that day but begged us not to leave while she was gone. She needed more time to say goodbye - just stay until she was done with her meeting. So we did, that girl suckered us into buying an armoire from IKEA, and put it together for her that day...IKEA, this was a long process, to say the least. The armoire was finished, meeting over and she arrived back at her place. Time to say goodbye - nope, she talked us into going to dinner before we left. You see Ashley was never ready to say goodbye.
So here we are - we never got to say our goodbye - no last cruise around the lake to share memories, no helping her unpack in her new location, no last dinner, no final embrace, no wiping away her tears as she begs us not to leave...our hearts are raw, the tears are many and the pain never lessens. We cherish the photos that capture the true heart of these siblings and the deep love we all had for each other. Ashley, your heart was so very big and you loved so very deep - no one will ever replace that. You are desperately missed every single day.
ps. your "brodder" is doing so good - you would be oober proud of him!
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