Ashley and SaRaeRae, how do we keep a hold on your lives, your love, and the feelings we had when around you? Do we talk about you, do we not? Do we celebrate you, do we not? Do we point out things you would like, do we not? Do we keep memorabilia, do we not? These are questions that I have never had to explore before my daughters’ death last spring. The mourning process is forever changing, and the answer one day may not be the same answer the next – at least in my experience. So how have I navigated this over the last year? I would like to share just a small moment in time that shows me that God will forever bring joy in my life that is undeniably comfort and balm for the daughter-sized holes I will forever carry in my heart. Allow me to bring you back to a moment in time – just last month.
It was a cool and foggy morning as I stood outside the hotel entry overlooking the marine that was tucked back in Kodiak Bay. I crossed the small street and headed down the plank bridge to the docks ahead. The smell of fish in the air as I watched a boat-hand quickly pass me to his vessel. His waders were up to his chest, the muck boots flopped on his feet and his hair was days from being close to a warm shower. He was busy arranging items on his wheelbarrow as the fog clouds were quickly approaching. I made my way past several boats; admiring the fenders, nets, hooks, cracked windows, anchors, and lines. I stopped at a smaller boat and found a cleared portion of the dock to sit, enjoy the scenery, and open my devotional for the day. Water softly splashed against the pillars, the sound of boat crews shuffling about, and the blue sky with a dense fog rolling in over the mountains – it was like a scene from a storybook. Here I was in a place where God had brought me, to be alone with Him and give me time and space for reflection and discovery. The morning began to slip by when I realized that I needed to head back to the hotel to catch my ride to the retreat. I slowly made my way back and soaked in the scenery along the way. Not long after I got to the hotel the grey minivan pulled up and out popped Tammy. A longtime Alaska resident with a beaming smile approached me – and grabbed my bag like it was a bag full of feathers. She popped it in the back, and I piled in.
We had one more stop to pick up two more people and then we were off to our retreat. The van door opens and in steps, this adorable gal with dark hair pulled up in a pony, her hiking boots on, and just about the cutest adventure outfit you could imagine. She looks super fun I thought, but too cute to be my friend. The other gal was quiet and had a kind demeanor as she glanced at me with a warm smile as she sat in her seat just in front of me. We arrive at our retreat just a few miles down the road and both of the gals head into the house.
We start to get situated and find ourselves across the room from one another. The afternoon of sharing began in a room full of strangers one by one sharing who they were, where they were from and one anxious thought about being here. Soon the time came for me to share; I shared where I live and then my hesitation of being so far from home for the first time since the death of my girls. I shared the journey of why I was there and the tears turned on and I simply could not stop. Here I was, being so vulnerable to these people I didn’t even know. I felt empty, lonely and just wanted the comfort of my girls – not just their memory. This was one of the hardest days that I have navigated this year, and here I was a bazillion miles from home, and knew no one. The group stopped, stood up, gathered around me, placed their hands on me, and prayed; for me, my husband, and my son. It was a moment that God had for me and balm for my soul. As everyone was making their way back to their spots the super cute gal came up to me and said, “Can I give you a hug”. In that hug I knew that she was special – I could feel her warmth, care, and concern. Then the other woman who ventured over in the minivan with us hugged me. It was the same warm and genuine feeling – balm for my soul. The first gal gave me another arm squeeze and said “Let’s chat later, by the way, my name is Ashley” As she said those words the tears freeflowed once again – of course, this sweet adorable, and loving girl is Ashley. A true gift from God. Then the other woman squeezed my arm and said, “Yes let’s chat later, I am Phyllis but my grandkids call me Kae Kae.” STOP IT – is this for real?!
The two women that I connected with right off the bat were Ashley and Kae Kae – the tears flowed again. It was a moment that God gifted me with – he brought me to Alaska to spend an entire week seeing His beauty, writing to heal, and being in the presence of Ashley and Kae Kae. That was the beginning of a beautiful week of laughter, tears, hugs, and friendship. God also knew we would need each other for a long time so where are they from you ask?! Wisconsin and Summer Cabin in Minnesota – I simply cannot wait to see Ashley and Kae Kae in person again, to share the hug, and to continue the journey together.
My Daughter-shaped holes will forever be a part of me – but I am confident that God will continue to fill my days with beautiful memories, and joyful adventures, and God Winks at things that only He can orchestrate. The winks are there, they will continue to be there. My job is to be open to seeing them, acknowledge them when I see them, and give thanks each and every time for His provision for my soul.
Ashley Kate – you would have loved the mountains – it looked like they were covered in fur and the trees looked like doll furniture. It was beautiful and yes, I would have taken you to the cidery where we would have gotten the flight and giggled our way through all the flavors.
SaRaeRae– you would have loved seeing the whales – the flock of seagulls would swoop and squawk so loud, this is where we knew the school of feeder fish where. Then we would hear the water from the whales' blow hole would spout and see them glide out of the water. And yes, your Doc Martians would have been a perfect choice of shoe and yes, I would have stopped at ALL the historical markers to read and learn about where we were.
I will continue to share my life with you girls – tell you of all the things you would be loving and sharing these moments with you. I know you would have done the same for me. I love you forever and ever.
Katie, thank you for sharing in your own special way of writing and feelings. Definitely God's Plan!💕