Hagrid's Coaster of grief...

I have heard so many questions from people as we try to wrap our minds around this tragedy - how do they even get up in the morning, how can you move forward from this, I can't even imagine, how can you have joy, how are you coping, I don't even know what to say to them...the list goes on and on. So I thought I would pause and let you into the journey a bit more. Again, please know that this is not a prescription to deal with grief or that anyone travels this road the same. I am just simply letting you into my journey. Knowing full well that some days when I write this, next week I may feel differently - that is the beauty of letting you in on the journey, it is a rollercoaster of emotion that changes each day.

Have you ever been on the motorcycle rollercoaster at Harry Potter world (Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Coaster, ok I looked it up after I typed it, Sarae would be pleased if I use the proper name, love you Sarae)! Well I was able to experience this ride with my girls in the final weeks of their lives. I have a video of them on the entire ride and if you know me at all - I am scream giggling the ENTIRE ride. We all had a great laugh when we got off, it was so much fun and a priceless memory. But I bring this story up because there is a portion of the ride where you fly to the END of the coaster track - suspend for a minute and then get plummeted backward at a speed that is breathtaking. It is totally unexpected and terrifying at first - somewhere in your mind (that is not engaged at the time) you know that you are safe and that you will end up in the right place, but the experience is completely unexpected.

This is my current spot in the loss of my girls - the rollercoaster rails came to an end and I am flying backwards. I can't even see the scenery around me at the moment, but somewhere deep in my mind I know that the track will be ok. It will spin me around, make me sick a time or two and come to a stop at a place where I can gather my thoughts again and see life for what it is. We call it finding our "new normal".

So what does this actually look like? If you were a fly on the wall at the Embree home you would see - normalcy, sitting on the patio writing blogs, watching basketball games, having friends over for coffee, card games being played. You will also see in the midst of all of these activities, tears. The tears flow at random times - sitting on the patio in Ashley's favorite spot and pausing to let out the emotions, loving her and missing her enjoying the beauty of spring on the patio. Watching basketball games and tears flow as Sarae would ask ALL the questions about the players and who they used to play for and where they are now, loving her and missing her amazing brain activity with all the things. Having friends over for coffee and showing them my special Ashley spot in my room where tears flow as it is a reminder of the great love she had for all the fancy things and wanted a nice place for reflection. Card games being played and tears flow as Sarae loved here a great competition, she loved to win and may have gotten a "tude" now and again when the outcome was not in her favor, missing her love for achievement she set for herself and was DETERMINED to accomplish. These moments can last for 1 minute and up to 5 minutes and then the JOY of the activity finds its place.

I am not good all the time or have a unattainable sense of Happiness in my days - my days are full of JOY because of who's I am and God is navigating this journey with us. He is providing along the way. Perhaps it is in the form of a friend, a sunny day, a random package in the mail (that is a story for another day!! Alyssa, Love you), A text when I need it the most, a smile in the grocery store, a high five from a friend, or like today...two toddlers that could not leave my lap looking a photos. God provides, I just need to have the correct posture to see all that He is providing. And I choose to see - everyday, I choose to see the beauty from the ashes.

When we see the rollercoaster rails end - God may need to plumet us backwards at mind-blowing speeds to get us where He needs us next. I'm not going to lie, it is terrifying at times, but as I have said time and time again - God I don't understand, but I trust.

So if God is nudging you to do something - listen to that still small voice and act upon it. Send the text - send the snail mail (can we just all get back to that please, it is so uplifting to get a hand written note in the mail. And there is no need to find the perfect card. They cost too much and the words from the heart are sooooo much better. Just use blank cards or white paper. Ok I'll stop)

Reachout - we need to love each other, in good times and in the challenges. People that have gone through loss don't have the plague. We are navigating a new normal - so be the normal, it is refreshing to the soul.

LOVE DEEP,

~Katie