I used to have daughters

I no longer have daughters is never a sentence I thought I would say about my life - ever.

At the tender age of 19 I met the love of my life, Brent, and we dated for just one short year and married within the next year. I was 21 years old and ready to start life - just 7 months into our adventure together we discovered that we were going to start a family. So at 23 years YOUNG Ashley Kate came into our lives. I had been an official adult for only 5 years, and now my dream of being a mama was underway! When we were choosing a name Brent said to me "I have always wanted a daughter and to name her Ashley" ok, seriously how do you argue with that?! Ashley Kate it was, we had a daughter. We did all the things; tea parties, makeovers with blue eyeshadow and 50 small pony tails all over the head, played "Pretty Pretty Princes", played dollies and as she grew we ventured into older mother/daughter delights. We would get our nails done together, go shopping, venture out for coffee dates, movies, have slumber parties and watch The Bachelorette and Dancing with the Stars together. Our lives transitioned from me teaching and guiding her to her teaching me - trendy new styles, Iwatches, Social Media, Charcuterrie boards, mixing cocktails and social justice topics.

When Ashley was just 8 years old we made the choice to extend our family and the new adventure began of welcoming Sarae into our lives. This was an extended process of learning about God's call in our life, waiting patiently for His timing and preparing for the ups and downs of the adoption process. It was an amazing journey for us all to be on to see God's hand in our family and how He brings people together in all different ways. On March 2, 2009 we received one of the greatest gifts imaginable - we were finally introduced to Sarae Kate as she came leaping into our arms in her orphanage in Guatemala. Again, God gifted me with another daughter. Now our family was complete we have three beautiful and amazing children - life is all as it should be. Sarae taught me how to love others well, to smile even when I may not feel like it, and to welcome everyone into our lives. She showed me to be comfortable in my clothing choices and to no care quite so much of what others thought. She showed me that I have NO CLUE when it comes to curly thick hair - we tried, boy did we try. Wash everyday and comb it out to wash it once a week and only comb when washing - spray daily, spray every other day, don't spray at all...we tried every trick in the book, laughing and crying along the way. She taught me about digging deep, thinking through how things work. She was showing me what a brilliant mind looks like. She was showing me the adventurous side of wanting to explore the whole world and not settle for one way of thinking. She taught me that sometimes the best position on the team was simply sitting on the bench and cheering on your teammates! We played thinking games, cards and watched shows that made us think - NCIS was the best. She dreamed of becoming "Abby" one day...can you picture it, I sure can!

I was a mom raising strong, confident, caring, God honoring daughters. We would have deep conversations of what it looks like to be a woman in today's world. What does it look like to be a woman created in the image of God. What does it look like to finish strong, support your peers, ask deep questions and care deeply. We were in the place in our relationships where mothering was making its turn to friendship - sharing our journey together. Phone conversations of love and laughter.

For us our family was built on God, Trust, Respect. We focused on loving God, growing in our relationship with Him; trusting each other, speak the truth in love; respect one another. We found that when these were all being practiced by all, our home was a safe and loving environment where we had loads and loads of fun!

Now today I write these words and they are all but a part of our story - the past - history; today all I can say is that I HAD daughters. I walk through the boutiques in town and I see the things that remind me of my girls, things that I would normally pick up and gift to them on random days just to let them know that I was thinking of them and that I love them. Now today I see them and all that runs through my mind is I used to have daughters. It takes a deeper strength to hold my head and be grateful for the time I DID have with them. The way that my life is richer because they were here. I was able to be a mother to both a son and daughters. My joy comes from the beautiful moments I had with them and the forever spot they have in my heart. I am confident that God provides in our greatest need, He is loving me and sustaining me through. Every once in a while my soul cries out "I used to have daughters" and it is real and raw. It is a pain that I am not sure will ever go away. But I am confident that there is more joy to come, more joy to be had and more little girls that will be in my life that honor my beautiful, amazing, profoundly missed daughters.

Ashley and Sarae, you have for ever impacted this mama. I am better because you were here. Thank you for all that you have taught me along the way. Thank you for being silly with me and putting up with my goofy posture of life. Thank you for challenging me to be better and to lean into Christ. Thank you for simply being you - the world is a better place because you were here. I love you forever and ever.

Sidebar: Carter, is our amazing son whom we cherish - he has the most gentle soul and huge heart. My blogs will speak little of him, as he has his own story to share. I leave that for him to live and share as he chooses. He is by far my favorite son EVER!!