Seasons of Mourning

As the leaves are exploding with color we can't help but find awe in the beauty. The way the leaves turn from green to yellow, orange, and red. We race after the color - take trips to see the hills and valleys of this breathtaking view - we take pictures and share stories with people around us. We simply are in awe and don't want the wind to come and blow them down faster than we would like to bask in the beauty. Yet every year this season comes to an end. And the next season comes to serve its purpose as well. It turns colder and white flakes begin to form and flood our senses.

The season that I find myself in now is not one of beauty or how I would have ever

dreamed it would be. I have been challenged with three questions for the season I find myself in.

The first question is the easiest for me: do I recognize my season?

At first blush the answer is easy, but as I dive deeper, the question turns to: am I mourning - really mourning, or rushing through the pain? One example for me is being as present as possible through it all. Every year dating back to 2009 I have created an Embree Yearbook. Marking our year through photos and capturing the JOY along the way. But this year that task is so much more brutal. As I go through the photos it is a constant reminder of the finality of our lives as we knew it. The last trip with my girls - the last sibling photo - the last selfie with my girls - the last Christmas - the last lefsa war - the last birthday celebration - the last card game - the last boat ride...and on and on. My heart is bleeding, I ask myself, am I taking it all in? This is a pain like I have never felt. A loss that I have never dreamed of. It is beyond painful, it is life-altering.

The second question proposed: Am I giving my BEST to the season I am in?

What does that even mean?! How do I wrap my head around giving my best to the death of my girls?! And then I think of the phrase I often say "I'm trying to eat an elephant; one bite at a time". sometimes I am given a bigger bite to digest and it is hard to chew and even harder to swallow. Holidays are a BIG deal in our home. Each holiday has a festive flair in our decor and craft projects the kids have created throughout the years we display with great joy. As the holidays approach I must engage to the level I am able (chew on as big of a piece as I can). For the fall season I brought out festive decor, but I am not ready to bring out the handmade pieces of my kids - I am not ready to digest that all just yet. I simply still can't believe they are gone - like gone forever. So, I have to daily CHOOSE to give my best to this season of mourning and for me, that is going to the peak of the pain and working through what I can.

The third question: Am I inviting God into this season?

This one for me is the very reason I can do each day. Where was God on the day of the tragedy - right there with me. Where was God when I comprehended that my girls were killed - right there with me. Where was God when I called family members while still at the scene - right there with me. Where was God during the funeral - right there with me. Where was God in the emptiness of our dinner table - right there with me. God is not a faith for me - a distant insurance plan - a one-day in the future. God for me, is my very breath. The gentle arms I fall to as I can't hold myself up. The love that surrounds me when I have images of the day of the tragedy. The loving arms that comfort me when I can't stop picturing my girls and the full and abundant life they had ahead of them. My soul sings knowing: All my life He has been faithful - all my life He has been so, so good and with EVERY breath that I am able - I WILL sing of the goodness of God.*

God did not cause this to happen. God is my rock and comfort who weeps alongside me with the horrific and awful way the sins of this world took my girls.

So this is my current season of mourning - and I am going to CHOOSE to see the beauty all around me. I will choose to see the brilliant colors God is giving all around me. I am going to take mental pictures and share my story with whoever wishes to listen. Because I have a job to do - love God and show others the amazing God my girls get to experience every day. This season is brutally hard...BUT GOD is my rock and the very foundation on which I can stand. He is breathtakingly beautiful and with me every single step. For that, I can not even begin to express my gratitude.

*Goodness of God - Bethel Music