Being still is something that I have struggled with my whole life. I want to be on the move, experiencing the next adventure, talking about the “what if’s” in life or listening to someone sharing a deep story. I don’t do well in silence, like being in a road trip and I am being asked to just take in the scenery and be with my thoughts. Ummmmm, this is what I silently call “Car jail” sitting quietly, not talking and just allowing our minds to spin…out of control, well at least for me. So I like to verbally process, get those thoughts out and paint word pictures. Ok, Katie get to the point, what are you trying to say. I have been silent in my blog for a while – sitting in my thoughts and in my own “car jail”. I have been hard on myself and not had inspiration to write or share. During this time God has been very active in my story – guiding me beside still waters, giving rest to my soul and showing me His beauty that I have never experienced quite the same. Let me bring you back to where this story started.
Three summers ago, a friend of mine attended an online writing retreat. She told me all about it and said I would just love the experience. Life was busy and I really had no time to pursue writing. Little nudges began and I felt led to start a blog just for a fun creative outlet. I went through all of the necessary steps of a website, platform build etc, etc. For a non-tech suave gal this was quite the feat.
And so, the journey began, silly little stories would pour out on the page and the joy of remembering and writing came flooding in. On winter afternoons the front door would open and the sounds of a teen entering from a day at school filled the air. The shoes thumping on the floor as they were kicked off, the sound of a much too heavy backpack being released to the couch and the refrigerator door being opened to gather a much needed refreshment. My Sarae would then make her way to my office and want to catch up on the day. She would intensely share stories of the projects she was working on and all the “tea” that was going on. We would laugh, sigh and ponder together. As her attention would turn to me she would enthusiastically ask “did you write anything today mom?”. Sarae would lean back in the chair and with great anticipation close her eyes and envision the story that I would share with her. She would always end with “that was really good mom!”. She was my writing cheerleader. I would also share the writings with Ashely by forwarding them to her email so she could read when she had time. Being away at college and working her intern job there was less time for chit chat and texting was a better form of communication for this small season of her life. One day she replied back to one of the stories “I am so glad you are doing this mom”. Another one of my cheerleaders. They loved that I was sharing stories and loved being the first to hear them.
And then less than one month after I shared my first blog – my girls were gone. How do I begin to wrap my mind around this? I often reflect on God’s provisions for me through losing my girls. This is one of those provisions. I have found that sharing my story – writing my thoughts and memories has been so good for my soul. To capture the intense feelings, the rollercoaster of emotion, the reality of a lifetime of mourning, the fingerprints of God through it all.
I am not sure that I would have had the strength or energy to explore beginning a blog after their death. I am not sure that I would have used writing as my form of healing steps, but God did. God knew that I would need to paint verbal pictures, to ask “what if” and to listen to deep stories of others and weave them all together. God knew that if I didn’t have this ready to just sit down and pour out my soul I would be in “car jail” where my thoughts would spin out of control. This practice has been balm for my soul. And each time I write I can see Sarae in the chair with a huge grin on her face cheering me on while Ashley would be so proud of me for sharing and reaching out. My girls would be delighted. They would be jazzed to hear the stories of them and the way they made a forever impact on so many lives. So, I will write – I will share from my heart the good, the bad and the ugly. Most importantly I will continue to share God’s constant provisions along this journey. My friend Patti was used by God to plant a seed three years ago to begin my writing adventure. Since then God has grown and watered this seed in ways that have blown my mind. Stay tuned for part two...
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