As I sit here and look out at the beauty all around me – the piles and piles of bright white snow, the sun beaming down on me, or the majestic blue sky that is soaring above. The people that reach out, stop me for a hug or a smile across the room. There is so much to be grateful for; things that should fill me with joy, love, and support. Yet here I am, my mind a fog, my thoughts racing the fear of uncertainty, the unknown…I am frozen in the fear of all that was taken away and the endless things that can be taken away, at any moment, in the blink of an eye. It is like a weight that simply paralyzes me. Some days are easier than others and some days all I can do is water my plants. (and today they are all hydrated) I work through the grief, schedule people around me that support and love me, go to a counselor weekly or sometimes multiple times a week, meet with my mentor…I work through the hard stuff, the loss of daughters, sibling loss, and loss of the simple love with my amazing husband. But yet it is there, this profound sense of overwhelming thoughts, emotions, and lack of drive. This is where I am real and honest with myself and with those who need to know that grieving has no timetable, no cure, no resolution, and yet somewhere in my soul there is a calm in my storm, a hope in a future, and an anchor for my soul. God shows up, constantly to remind me of His presence and provision through it all.
Just a few short weeks ago while at home on a Friday night with not much on the calendar, my phone kept alerting me that a virtual conference I had signed up for was starting in 4 hours. Ok, I will watch it another time. Then 2 hours until it began, I will watch it later this week when my schedule is more open. Then 30 minutes until it began…it was then that I decided to grab a coffee, retreat to my quiet room, sit on my grandma's chair, and watch the conference. As I sat there ready for the conference to begin I glance at the table next to me and there was an unopened embroidery kit that Ashely had purchased. As the music began to play and the worship team started singing I opened the new project and the tears began to flood out. This was a moment that God created for me, right there in my home. My grandmother was an avid counter cross stitch artist, her pieces were breathtaking and the most prized possession that she gifted me with was when Ashley was born. A mother holding her baby – at the time of gifting it was special as it was of my most treasured calls in life, being a mom. So I sit that night with worship music playing, tears flowing and I begin to stretch the fabric in the wood hoop to complete the piece that Ashley ventured out to make.
God met me where I was at – filling me with pieces of beautiful women that have forever impacted my life. And I sob while trying to thread the needle. Aaaaagh aging is hard, threading a needle is hard, especially through the tears. Sheesh. And so I began. The worship team leads everyone in a new song, at least to me. The words were so impactful that I did what I typically do when I hear a new song like this, pull it up on Spotify, listen to it over and over, pull out my journal, and write down every word. It was at that moment that I knew that God was speaking directly to me, at this moment, for such a time as this.
Forevermore by Christy Nockels Your (God) presence is your plan for me, and your will is where I’ll always see, that on every mountain top and every valley low, you are here with me. There’s no outcome that is greater, no promise that is sweeter, and the answer I keep waiting for – is that you are with me evermore. The healing, the breakthrough, the way through – you are with me. My portion, treasure, measure, you are with me evermore.
You see all of these days over the past year it has lead Brent and me to deep conversations, prayerful connections, and pondering of our lives. We were a tight family, with deep love and many, many fun adventures. Our kids were our joy, we would often look at each other and say “no matter what happens in this life we will always have each other.” This was a beautiful expression of our profound love for each other and our kids. We were always going to be ok because we had one another. This is a wonderful thing to say about our little family – it got us through the sleepless nights, toddler years, teenage years, and young adult years. We were in this together to love and support the best we knew how. It wasn’t until we realized 51 weeks ago that although it was good, it was not quite right. You see there is NOTHING in this world that we can count on, nothing that can’t be taken away from us. Standing at our kitchen counter Brent and I experienced together that our target was slightly off. We discovered that the only thing we can say with confidence is the ONE thing that can never be taken away from us is our relationship with God. If you know me at all, you know that I and my family love God, made time for God, and made decisions around God's desires for ourselves and our family. We worshiped together, prayed together, and served together. God was the foundation of our family – but not the target. So, what God is ever so gently teaching me now is to shift my target to His presence in my life. His presence is His plan for me, period. How am I growing through this time in my life? How am I learning that this world is a fleeting experience where the things that we treasure the very most can be ripped right out of our hands.
So I will continue to flood my life with the goodness of God and His plan for me because His Will is where I will always see (clearly). It is the calm in my storm and nothing or no one will be able to take that away.
God provides for us every step of the way – in the smiles, hugs, deep conversations, cards, sunshine, piles and piles of snow, new worship lyrics, and embroidery. His love for me is deep and this is where I will focus my energy.
March 19 is right around the corner – a day that hundreds of people's lives changed. I continue to be blown away by the ripple effect Ashley and Sarae had on people. They loved deeply, they cared deeply and their joy was deep. As we approach this day I ask that you remember where YOU were when you received the news. What was the day like, where were you, what was the feeling, who was around you, what thoughts were exploding in your head? Remember. And then, what was the impact that they had on YOUR life? Are you a changed person because of this day? Why? How are you living your life differently? Or perhaps how can we live differently because of their impact?
Is this week hard – yes, but the last 51 weeks have been hard too. Let us all do the hard work it takes to refocus our target, love deeply, and spread joy.
Ashley and Sarae you have forever made an impact – we love you forever and always.
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