So it has been a while since my last entry. As most of you know I am a doer, the more I am doing the more I feel value and worth. So, I was challenged to slow down, way down and do some more intense work with God. As I write my blogs, I describe it as painting a picture, this helps me with things that I am feeling and allows me to explore and grieve through the process. I was asked to whom I am painting the picture for. This in turn brought up a great question.
I have changed my focus to journaling, for an audience of one, God. This allows me to express deeper feelings and grieve on a different level. So that is what I have done and is what I will share with you now. This is a picture painted for God, a place for me to communicate with Him, cry out to Him and be comforted by Him. It looks a bit different but what I have discovered is that through this process He brought something to my attention - a song, at church - that stopped me in my tracks. I was singing with everyone else, but halfway through I could do nothing else but raise my hands and praise Him. But WHY?! Why did I not sit down and get angry with God? Why did I not stop singing and get sad, discouraged or angry at my current daughterless world I find myself in?! Here is how my conversation with God went...
God you know - you know what it is like to give your child. You know the pain-the sorrow- the depth of loss and the constant agony. I did not want this to be real, to be my life. No parent should have to feel this pain and suffering- yet you do.
As I sit here weeping, you know, and I feel your presence and love. After singing the song "How Great Thou Art" on Sunday I can't help but wonder why?! How can I possibly sing these words and feel your love so profoundly that I just want to worship? How can I lift my hands to praise you? I don't understand, what I do know is that every time I sing or think of your return, I am confident I will rest in your arms, and you will bring me to my beautiful girls. I just weep knowing that they are there praising you every day and every moment.
How great you are that you love and adore them more than me. How great you are that your girls are home. How great you are that you comfort and care for them better than I could ever imagine. How great you are that you love me enough to surround me with love through the people in my life. How great you are that you have gifted people with music ability that speaks to my soul. How great you are that you know my every need before I even do. How great you are for conquering death out of your deep love for me. How great you are for giving me wisdom to walk one step at a time trusting and loving my Abba Father.
How great you are..
And then it became clear to me, it is because my loving and caring God gifted me with raising His girls. They are His and He gave me so many beautiful years to experience their love and JOY that is a direct reflection of His goodness. And now they are in His care - a care that is far superior to the love I have for them (and I loved them fiercely), He is singing them their songs, showing them amazing things and loving them completely.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't long for my girls to be here with me, but I rest in the confidence that they are good, scratch that, they are amazing! Pictures of their JOY is hard, talking about our adventures is hard, journeying through life events without them is hard, dreaming of a future without them is hard...for me. God knows, God hears, God loves and God provides for all my pain. So with that I can confidently sing How Great Thou Art.
Love God well, Love your people well - love like the girls loved.
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